We prayed in faith that God would grant us a miracle and give us two healthy babies – they both died.
The miracle that happened is this: the miracle-worker lives in me, loves me and is working in me.
It has been almost two years since we lost Faith and Joy Wagner. I continue to preach to my heart, daily and hourly, that God is good. As a woman who has carried more death in my womb than life I can tell you that death does not change the fact that God is good.
The night before our sonogram, despair hit like a tornado of emotions. Hope had completely slipped through my fingers. I laid in bed sobbing with my steady and hopeful husband holding onto me with one hand and enough hope for the both of us with the other. Whether I was simply preparing for the worst as a way to protect my heart, or whether I really knew this baby would never be in my arms – I was prepared for what we saw the next morning.
When we remember how the Lord has provided for us in ways that we wanted, it can foster the notion that positive circumstances equal God’s goodness in our lives. But when we remember who the Lord is, our definition of what is actually “good” is challenged and we are forced to admit that He is our only good.
I woke up this morning panicked with guilt. I am facing the reality of how much my calling requires of my family. I try to “prepare the house” to make it easier for Carson to be with the kids without me. I buy melatonin so Carson doesn’t have to battle the demands for water and requests to make the shadows go away.But still, I sit in front of my computer and before I can type a single word.
It wasn’t a fight the Lord had ordained for me, it was a walk in the valley.
This tree and I have been through a lot together. We have been almost synchronized in our seasons. As I have bloomed with life inside me I would watch the tree’s petals floating in the sky. As I would grieve another loss, I would stare in solidarity at its empty branches.
These bottles represent the six children we have lost in miscarriage Hope, Mercy, Glory, Faith, Joy and Wonder. Each bottle unique. Each sorrow unique. Each tear collected. My sorrow seen.